My Christmas Just Became a Little Merrier

This year is the first year that I get to celebrate Christmas with my newly found birth mom. Well, we're not actually celebrating together, but we can certainly celebrate across the miles with one another. Last week we received a bunch of Christmas cards from Pam and Pierre, which I know for a fact were chosen with love and care.

Reading through each one still brings tears to my eyes, and I treasure the sentiments expressed on each card. To my beautiful daughter, my daughter and son-in-law, my grandson, my granddaughter... and to my sister, nephew, niece. What an awesome event in our lives that we could both send and receive hand picked cards like this at Christmas. While finding appropriate cards was not easy (I challenge you to find one that says "To my lovely Island Mom whom I just met after 45 years!") I was able to find some that didn't highlight a history of growing up and of fond memories, but rather an appreciation for having them in our lives. And that is the sincere truth. My Christmas just became a little merrier because of my beautiful Bermudian family.

Peace and Joy

The advent season is upon us. At this time of the year, in addition to the Santas and snowmen, we'll see the words hope, love, joy and peace on a variety of items from Christmas cards to festive ornaments. These are some of my most inspirational words, and I have them hanging up on my living room wall all year long.

The other night, while speaking with my birth mom, those words came alive for me. It really struck me how my intent was simply to bring peace to her life in knowing that I was okay and that I was thankful for what she did for me. Never did I expect there to be such joy in the reunion, for the both of us! It's really quite a miracle that the simple hope I had in connecting with her has blossomed into a living relationship. It's truly a relationship of love. Both of our lives have been altered as we now journey together, sharing past experiences and making new ones. We look forward to what the future holds with great joy, hope and anticipation.

While I believe that eternal joy and peace come only from relationship with our Saviour Jesus Christ, whom we celebrate especially at this time of year, I am so very thankful that He in His goodness and grace allows us to experience a beautiful measure of those four advent emotions with others here on earth. May you also experience that same hope, love, joy and peace with God and with others as you welcome the Christmas season.

The 6 Month Mark

Today marks 6 months since my birth mom and I connected on the phone for the very first time. I still remember quite vividly that initial conversation which seemed surreal, that I felt I was peeking in on someone else's story. It was hard to imagine or fathom that the woman on the other end of the phone line was my very own birth mother with whom I had never even spoken until now.

Our conversations today are very different. Once in a while I still get that odd feeling of looking in on someone else's narrative, but for the most part, I know and feel that this is my story, our story, and most of all God's story played out in our lives. Pam is a very real presence in my life, and our conversations are no longer surreal. She is not only my mother, but also my encourager, supporter, teacher and friend. She bears with my complaints and she laughs with me over my follies. She does not judge when I shift from laughter to tears, and she understands me when at times I cannot put the words together to adequately express my overwhelming feelings. I reached out to her 6 months ago, just to simply thank her and let her know I was okay. And as unemotional as it sounds, I didn't really need her at that time. But now when I reach out to her, I fully realize that I do need her, and I am so thankful that she is in my life, she has become a very real part of our family, and I of hers. We marvel at what has happened in these past 6 months, and we are excited at what is yet to come.

Celebrating Both of My Moms

"Her children arise and call her blessed..." Proverbs 31:28a

Today is a very special day, the first time ever I get to wish my beautiful Island Mom a happy birthday! Although I can't be with her in person, she is certainly in my thoughts and prayers today as she celebrates another year of life.

Yesterday or today she should have received the personalized calendar I sent her for her birthday. For each month I customized the photos to match the people who are celebrating birthdays. Both of my moms have November birthdays, so this month's calendar picture is a real treasure.This was put together before my Canadian mom was hospitalized, and the collage evokes so many feelings and emotions. I'm sure I will speak to it more another day, but for now, I am celebrating both moms and counting my blessings.

Weathering the Storms

"In every high and stormy gale,
my anchor holds within the veil."
~ Edward Mote

This past week was a very stormy one for both of my families. While my birth family was dealing with not one, but two hurricanes that pounded the beautiful island of Bermuda, by Canadian family was struggling through health issues with my adoptive mom which included also not one, but two ER visits.  I am beat, weathered, frustrated, exhausted and weary. In the storms of life that attack us physically and emotionally, we often come out feeling battered and rendered helpless. We do what we can in preparation, or in wise advice, but really much of the outcome is out of our control, and often the results are not what we would have chosen for ourselves or for our loved ones. This week was a spiritual reminder though that when I am weak He is strong. When I don't feel like facing the challenges of a new day, He provides new mercies every morning. When I feel broken, He makes me whole. Despite what comes my way, whether physical or emotional, my soul still belongs to the One who protects and provides. There is no storm that can ever separate me from His love and care.

Ahead of Schedule, but Right on Time

I don't think you can go through a life experience such as this one, searching for and finding your birth mom, and not become reflective. This has been a journey with much processing for me, and not only processing the immediate, but also looking back to the past and coming to the comforting realization that God was there all along, weaving His little surprises and timing everything just right.

In our home, it was considered somewhat of a rite of passage for us as adopted kids, to be able to discover our original birth names. This usually happened at about the age of 16, when my parents felt we were mature enough to handle the information. It was a time that I looked forward to with great anticipation. I wasn't so much incomplete without that piece of information, but of course you grow up curious as to what your original name was. Would it suit me? Would I like it? Do I know anybody else with that last name?

When I was about 12, my dad ushered me into his home office. Thinking I had done something wrong, I was a little apprehensive, but there he was, with a piece of paper on his desk, and a smirk on his face. "Do you want to know your real name?" "Really? I don't have to wait until I'm 16?" I don't recall anymore if it was the actual adoption papers, but I suppose it was, as that was probably the only official document they had in their possession that bore our original names. What I do remember is that I was quite excited to find this information out, especially years ahead of the anticipated time.

It wasn't until years later, and especially in these past few months of deep reflection, that I really appreciated the importance of discovering my birth name ahead of schedule, not because of the satisfaction to me personally, but because of the bigger picture that God was painting. It was a special moment that I shared with my Dad, and one that would not have happened with him if he had insisted on me waiting until I was 16.

You see, my dear father passed away from cancer when I was 15. I believe with all my heart that God knows the number of our days and in His amazing wisdom and grace He blessed me with that wonderful opportunity to enjoy that unique rite of passage with my Dad. It will forever remain a treasured memory and a reminder of God's perfect timing.

Whatchu Talkin' 'Bout, Willis?

Recently, we have begun watching older sitcoms, and have been enjoying the family favourite "Different Strokes." While I had watched this as a kid, I never quite realized the blatant and shocking reaction that many people have to Mr. Drummond adopting two black boys, Willis and Arnold. While this sitcom illustrates and pokes fun at the ignorance of people, it actually hits a nerve, realizing that this kind of behaviour was quite rampant. Watching this now makes me even that much more appreciative of what my parents did for me, and for my three adopted siblings, in actually requesting the "hard to place" children from the Children's Aid Society. Here they were, as Dutch in accent, tradition and looks as you can get, and they had four children of varying shades of beige and brown. In the 1960's this was not very well accepted, and unfortunately my Mom and Dad even lost social invites and church friends over their decision to adopt coloured kids. In a world where biracial children and families were actually frowned upon, they were unconditionally accepting of us, and I will be forever thankful for my parents' tangible expression of how God sees us, not by the colour of our skin, but through the love and grace He has for His children.

"♪...red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight...♫"

Mom, meet Mom.

I had the incredible opportunity and privilege of introducing two very special women to one another.
One mother loved me enough to give me up.
Another mother loved me enough to make me her own.
On Friday, those two women met for the first time, and what a precious moment that was. My Canadian mom was in good spirits, good health and very good humour. In addition to her non-stop senior-style chatter, she was able to clearly express to my island mom that she is not jealous at all over me finding her and she is quite happy to share me with Pam. They were able to genuinely thank one another for what they had each done for me. What a blessing that there is much rejoicing in this reunion from both sides! I'm in awe over how all of this is unfolding.
While I may not have had the presence of a father for quite some time now, I'm so pleased to say that I am now blessed with two very beautiful moms in my life instead!

You've got mail!

Today, two very special documents and two very special people arrived at my house.

A few weeks ago, I registered for the post-adoptive information package, which for adoptees, contains the original birth registration filled out by the mother in the hospital, plus the adoption papers. Because of differing birth and adoptive names, these two documents together provide the legal documentation to connect me with my birth mother. Tourists cannot stay longer than three weeks in Bermuda, so I figured that if I can prove legal Bermudian ancestry, well, should the need (or desire!) ever arise to stay longer I want to be prepared. I was told the typical 6-8 weeks for government paperwork so I was not expecting to receive this quite so early. That in itself is pretty cool, but the timing gets even better.

Today Pam and Pierre arrived in Canada for a brief visit. Words cannot express how special it was to open this document with my island mom by my side, reading over the very form she filled out all those years ago in the hospital. The timing was just incredible.

Definitely a moment to remember. Thank you, God, for yet another amazing piece to this story.

Gone but not Forgotten

Today was a bittersweet day. While most of my Bermudian family was saying their earthly good-byes to our dear uncle, I had the sweet privilege of meeting a lifelong friend of my birth mom.

Over the years, "Aunt" Sandra's family opened up their home to many friends, including various members of my birth family. She still lives in that same location today. Although I could not be with the rest of the family today at the funeral, it was very fitting that I could be sitting in the very same house in Toronto with the very same friend whose family housed and cared for my island mom during her pregnancy with me. Soon after Pam and I connected back in May, I called Sandra to introduce myself. "We've been waiting for you honey!" were words that still ring loud and clear. We've talked a number of times over the phone since then but today was the first time I actually met her. What a pleasure and honour!

Ishmir, a cousin from Bermuda, also joined Aunt Sandra and I for the day, as she is in the Toronto area right now visiting other family. What a blessing for the three of us to meet, re-connect, reminisce, and learn more about each other and the family as we pored over old pictures and they shared family stories.

So to my dear family in Bermuda, your Canadian family sends their deepest condolences and please know that our thoughts and prayers have been with you as you grieve the loss of your dear brother, our Uncle Myron. Today's visit to Toronto was planned even before I knew of the funeral arrangements, so it was quite timely that in our own special way here in Toronto, we could honour him and spend our afternoon thinking of our loved ones in Bermuda.

Tears of Joy

The last couple of blog posts dealt with the tears of sadness over the lost years but I also need to make it clear that there were many tears of joy as well.

          As far as searching for your birth mom goes, I don't think you can get a better ending than this. Not only was she overjoyed, but to top it off, we connected a few days before Mother’s Day. I couldn’t have even planned that if I tried! How awesome to finally be able to wish your biological mother a Happy Mother’s Day after 45 years of separation! That happy day, Pamela told family members about losing and finding me, as well as discovering that she now has 4 “new” beautiful grandchildren and a great son-in-law. They have warmly welcomed all of us into their family, and in doing so I have just inherited hundreds of new relatives, including an ecstatic brother Pierre, who, if we didn’t hold him back, would have been on the first flight out of Bermuda to see his little sis! What a precious gift to enjoy, it was certainly a Mother’s Day that neither of us will ever, ever forget. I even got to pass along a great big hug and kiss to my Mom and to thank her from my island Mom for all she has done for me in raising me well. You just can’t top the feelings of joy of that first complete Mother’s Day, for all of us.

Emotions are still strong as I reflect over the fact that at the hospital all those years ago, she held me, she kissed me, and she lovingly handed me over to others, trusting and hoping that I would have a better life than she could offer at the time. She wasn’t angry, bitter, or repulsed at the thought of this little baby that wasn’t even conceived out of love. She really did love me, and welcomed me into this world with open arms despite knowing she would be leaving that hospital with empty arms. God has an amazing way of redeeming brokenness and restoring relationship. Not only has Pamela found her baby girl, but I am once again welcomed with loving, open arms.

This time though, we’re never letting go.

Divine Delay

            My head was telling me that I couldn't blame myself for the lost years, because there was no way I could have known Pam and Pierre were looking and waiting for me. But my heart just wouldn't let go of those feelings of guilt and regret. I was an emotional wreck. On the one hand, I was so happy that we had connected, and were even talking about a pending visit, but on the flipside, I was so broken because of the lost years and the heartache I had indirectly caused by not reaching out sooner. There was an element of sadness that was clouding this incredible reunion.

            But God's timing is perfect, and again, nothing happens by chance. God knew that I needed to be reminded that He is ultimately in control and always well aware of what He is doing. Our message at church that very Sunday was “Divine Delay.” Our interim pastor would have had no way of knowing what was happening in my life that week, so I simply sat back and marvelled at God's timing with this encouraging message that I so needed to hear. What a great reminder of how God is working through the wait! Even when things don’t happen as quickly as we would like them to, He has a greater purpose in mind, working in our personal lives and in the lives of others. Would I have been as secure in my adoptive family if CAS had allowed Pamela to have contact with me through those earlier years? Probably not. Would I have fully understood a mother’s heart or had been as strong in my faith if I had connected with her in my early 20’s? Definitely not. Would I have had such a good reception over this reunion from my adoptive mom if Pamela and I were reunited even 5 or 10 years ago? Absolutely not. God knows what He is doing. He was preparing my own heart, solidifying my relationships, and strengthening my faith during this divine delay. I can’t continue to dwell on the what if’s and become bitter over the lost years. I have to trust that God was working behind the scenes, both in my life and in my birth family's, to prepare us for this fantastic reunion and future that we now have ahead of us. God has a sovereign plan, and that brings me such encouragement and comfort knowing that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him." - Romans 8:28.

          Divine delay...just another example of God's amazing grace in this unfolding story.

Blessed but Brokenhearted

          So how does one describe the emotions felt when after 45 years you have a conversation with the woman who gave birth to you? Surprisingly, I didn’t cry during that phone call, but I know I came pretty close because Ed brought me a box of Kleenex at one point. Both Pamela and I were both in awe that we had actually made contact. It was a surreal feeling, yet an instant connection, and I still don’t know how best to describe it, I don't think either Pam or I can adequately express what we were both feeling, we were both pretty much in shock. I think maybe I was on auto-pilot through that entire conversation. Excited yet calm, emotional yet composed. But that night I slept maybe two hours, and that’s being generous. The rest of the time I just cried. Tears of joy in having found my birth mother. Tears of resentment for not doing this earlier. Tears of sorrow for all those years she waited for me to reach out. Wait a minute, so she had been waiting all this time? I thought she hadn't wanted to meet me, I thought she had closed that chapter in her life...

            I think, without a doubt, the most difficult thing for me to process in all of this was learning through that initial phone call that she had been looking for and inquiring about me. Her first attempt was through Children’s Aid Society, when I was only three. I do believe I gasped and even clutched my chest when she told me that. And that’s when Ed went running for the Kleenex box. You know from my last post that when I was in my early 20’s I registered to connect with my birth mom. I figured I had nothing to lose, I could always change my mind if she registered as well, as they would let me know first so that I could call the shots. But no such connection. I just assumed there was no interest on her part since CAS never put the two of us together in their search registry. Well, I had assumed wrong. Back in 1972, she was told to wait for me to reach out, which she did. For 42 long years. The only thing I can figure out is that she contacted them before any such registry existed, and by the time I registered there was no proper record of her contact.

            I battled with feelings of regret, anger and extreme sadness. Here I am, right in the middle of one of the best possible adoption reunion stories, so why am I crying more tears of sadness than joy? I was so blessed but so brokenhearted. Why didn’t I search earlier? Why didn’t Children’s Aid do their job properly and connect us? Why would God allow my birth mom to actually scan every face she passed on the streets of Toronto looking for that familiar one? Even her son, my brother, did his best to find me every time he was in Toronto, but had no success without a name to search with. How broken and empty did Pamela feel all these years? How much regret was there in her life for giving me up? How could God have let me continue along my way essentially unaffected by the broken bonds while my birth mom was aching for reconnection? Her words “I thought of you every day”, “We’ve been waiting for this day for years”, and “How could I ever forget my New Year’s baby?” still bring tears to my eyes. While I thought she had closed that chapter of her life, I was actually written on every page of her life story. Why God? Why would You allow such suffering for a woman who did such an honourable thing in such a horrible circumstance? Could You not have rewarded her in some way for choosing life and not aborting me? Could You not have given her peace in her heart instead of unrest and longing all these years? As I processed all of these feelings I was definitely feeling a sense of incredible sadness for her, regret over not contacting sooner, and anger toward the Children’s Aid Society and ultimately toward God for allowing all of this.

          But God was not done with this story yet. He knew what I needed to hear to be encouraged and that message came a few days later... 

That was no telemarketer!

          So now I've sent off the fax to Pam, and it's only a matter of time before I find out if I've opened up a can of worms or been an answer to prayer. I'm 45 years old, so why has it taken me so long to do this? What was the hesitation? Well, when I was around 20, I got the non-identifying information from Children's Aid, and I did go ahead with the next step which is to register to meet her. But they had indicated that there was no registration yet on her part, and now with it being 25 years later and I still haven't heard from Children's Aid, I could only assume that she had no interest in connecting. Given the circumstances of the pregnancy and that I was kept secret I just thought that she had closed the book on that chapter of her life and chosen to forget about me. Thinking that way kept me from contacting her and dropping a bomb in her life. So for me to send off that fax was a big risk, not so much for me, but I would think for how she might respond and how it might affect her present situation.

           Later that day I noticed an odd number on call display. My heart dropped to the floor when I saw the Bermuda 441 area code in the number, but was totally confused that it was sort of in the middle of the number. I checked out the internet to find out what the 011 area code was and the top websites mentioned telemarketers calling from overseas. Oh, that makes sense, I seem to get so many calls from them, this was probably just a new company trying to get a hold of me. Or so I thought.

            Now it’s Thursday, May 8, 2014. There’s that number again on my call display, and even on my answering machine this time, a hang-up. They must have had several calls going at once and didn’t get a chance to hang up before my answering machine got to it. No big deal, these telemarketers are persistent. Now it’s after 9 pm, and there’s that number again. Okay, this is becoming a nuisance, I’d better just pick up and that way they’ll drop my number from the automated calling system. So in a pleasant voice, which is pretty unusual when I’m expecting it to be a telemarketer, I answer with a melodic "Hello." 

“Is this Gwen?” 

"Yes it is." 

“I got a fax from you yesterday.” 

Gulp. 

“Is this really Sherry Lee, my daughter?” 

Wow, that was NO telemarketer!

Video Compilation

Our week in Bermuda was really quite indescribable. From the emotions felt with that first hug to the splendour of the majestic cliffs and sparkling blue water, from the hospitality of our new family to the unique experience of swimming with the brilliantly coloured fish...there was so much we experienced and it is hard to capture it in words.

So today, I'll let Justin best describe to you our trip, as he has captured all of the above in the attached video of our trip. Thank you, dear son, for your filming and for the many hours spent putting this together - this labour of love is truly a treasure to me.

Enjoy!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zOD5i5GsW0o

Welcome to the Family!

Back to our trip to Bermuda...
Finding your birth mom leads to more than just finding that one special person. In my case, it means finding my birth brother as well, and discovering I have a load of extended family.  Most still live on the island, which is only 20 square miles, so you can imagine the number of relatives we have in Bermuda that you can run into at any given time! We have warned Justin that if he looks for a girlfriend there, he must first have her fill out a family history form to make sure they're not related! He quickly learned that we weren't kidding. Never mind 6 degrees of separation for us, it's more like 2 degrees!

It is quite clear that family is very important to this group, and they welcomed us all with such warmth and love. To them, it did not matter how I came to be, or that Pam gave me up for adoption, or that I suddenly appeared on the scene all these years later with my husband and 4 kids in tow. From the sincere words of welcome as we met them to the great big hugs when we left and everything in between, there is no mistaking that we were gladly welcomed into this loving family.

So blessed.

                                     

Reaching Out

Back to the search story...
So by now Aunt Adell has given me a name and number, and I need to make a decision about whether or not to follow through with this. Up to this point it was a bit of an exciting adventure of putting some pieces of a puzzle together, but now this could be the phone call that has the power to change not only my life but many others.

But apparently this is a work number. How does one make that call in a tactful way? How do you break that news to someone, especially since I didn't know what her reaction would be, whether she would be receptive or not? I tried to do a reverse look up to see if I could find the business name in order to email instead, but nothing came up. So I decided to call at night thinking I would get an answering machine that would give me that information.

However, when I called at night, a woman answered and I immediately hung up. Little did I know at that time that Adell had actually given me Pam's home number and I unknowingly had heard the voice of my birth mom for the first time!

It took me a few more days to work up the nerve to call her at work. Would she be the one to answer or could I leave a cryptic message that only she would understand? Would she want to hear from me? Would she be in such shock that she couldn't finish her day of work? I spent some time in prayer and in the Word...Do not be anxious about anything...present your requests to God...the peace of God which transcends all understanding...When I was about to push that last number on the phone keypad, Jess woke up and sauntered down the stairs. I chickened out and hung up. Again. But you know how coincidences, or rather God-incidences have played such a big part in this story so far, here's another one...5 minutes later Adell emails to tell me the type of store that Pam manages, so I search the internet, locate the store and a fax number, then fire off a fax instead. I simply stated that if she remembers a Sherry Lee from Toronto that I am doing well and wish to thank her for what she did for me all those years ago, and then I provided some contact info. That way if someone else read the fax first, her secret pregnancy and existing daughter would not be revealed. Furthermore, I would leave her with my two main objectives in this search - to let her know that I was ok, and to thank her for her giving me life. I knew that if I had the right person, as soon as she saw my birth name she would immediately know who I was, but I had to leave the rest of the reaching out up to her. My part was done.

I had to totally leave this in God's hands. Would there be rejection? Would I be stirring up past hurts and suffering? The Children's Aid report indicated that she was taken advantage of. Would she resent this girl who reminded her of that night? Was she bitter at not only the father but also at me, an inconvenience and interruption in her life? Yes, I had to totally leave this in God's hands, but was praying fervently for a softened heart. And to be honest, a small part of me began to be hopeful that she would be receptive to me reaching out, not only for her sake but also for mine.