Tears of Joy

The last couple of blog posts dealt with the tears of sadness over the lost years but I also need to make it clear that there were many tears of joy as well.

          As far as searching for your birth mom goes, I don't think you can get a better ending than this. Not only was she overjoyed, but to top it off, we connected a few days before Mother’s Day. I couldn’t have even planned that if I tried! How awesome to finally be able to wish your biological mother a Happy Mother’s Day after 45 years of separation! That happy day, Pamela told family members about losing and finding me, as well as discovering that she now has 4 “new” beautiful grandchildren and a great son-in-law. They have warmly welcomed all of us into their family, and in doing so I have just inherited hundreds of new relatives, including an ecstatic brother Pierre, who, if we didn’t hold him back, would have been on the first flight out of Bermuda to see his little sis! What a precious gift to enjoy, it was certainly a Mother’s Day that neither of us will ever, ever forget. I even got to pass along a great big hug and kiss to my Mom and to thank her from my island Mom for all she has done for me in raising me well. You just can’t top the feelings of joy of that first complete Mother’s Day, for all of us.

Emotions are still strong as I reflect over the fact that at the hospital all those years ago, she held me, she kissed me, and she lovingly handed me over to others, trusting and hoping that I would have a better life than she could offer at the time. She wasn’t angry, bitter, or repulsed at the thought of this little baby that wasn’t even conceived out of love. She really did love me, and welcomed me into this world with open arms despite knowing she would be leaving that hospital with empty arms. God has an amazing way of redeeming brokenness and restoring relationship. Not only has Pamela found her baby girl, but I am once again welcomed with loving, open arms.

This time though, we’re never letting go.

Divine Delay

            My head was telling me that I couldn't blame myself for the lost years, because there was no way I could have known Pam and Pierre were looking and waiting for me. But my heart just wouldn't let go of those feelings of guilt and regret. I was an emotional wreck. On the one hand, I was so happy that we had connected, and were even talking about a pending visit, but on the flipside, I was so broken because of the lost years and the heartache I had indirectly caused by not reaching out sooner. There was an element of sadness that was clouding this incredible reunion.

            But God's timing is perfect, and again, nothing happens by chance. God knew that I needed to be reminded that He is ultimately in control and always well aware of what He is doing. Our message at church that very Sunday was “Divine Delay.” Our interim pastor would have had no way of knowing what was happening in my life that week, so I simply sat back and marvelled at God's timing with this encouraging message that I so needed to hear. What a great reminder of how God is working through the wait! Even when things don’t happen as quickly as we would like them to, He has a greater purpose in mind, working in our personal lives and in the lives of others. Would I have been as secure in my adoptive family if CAS had allowed Pamela to have contact with me through those earlier years? Probably not. Would I have fully understood a mother’s heart or had been as strong in my faith if I had connected with her in my early 20’s? Definitely not. Would I have had such a good reception over this reunion from my adoptive mom if Pamela and I were reunited even 5 or 10 years ago? Absolutely not. God knows what He is doing. He was preparing my own heart, solidifying my relationships, and strengthening my faith during this divine delay. I can’t continue to dwell on the what if’s and become bitter over the lost years. I have to trust that God was working behind the scenes, both in my life and in my birth family's, to prepare us for this fantastic reunion and future that we now have ahead of us. God has a sovereign plan, and that brings me such encouragement and comfort knowing that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him." - Romans 8:28.

          Divine delay...just another example of God's amazing grace in this unfolding story.

Blessed but Brokenhearted

          So how does one describe the emotions felt when after 45 years you have a conversation with the woman who gave birth to you? Surprisingly, I didn’t cry during that phone call, but I know I came pretty close because Ed brought me a box of Kleenex at one point. Both Pamela and I were both in awe that we had actually made contact. It was a surreal feeling, yet an instant connection, and I still don’t know how best to describe it, I don't think either Pam or I can adequately express what we were both feeling, we were both pretty much in shock. I think maybe I was on auto-pilot through that entire conversation. Excited yet calm, emotional yet composed. But that night I slept maybe two hours, and that’s being generous. The rest of the time I just cried. Tears of joy in having found my birth mother. Tears of resentment for not doing this earlier. Tears of sorrow for all those years she waited for me to reach out. Wait a minute, so she had been waiting all this time? I thought she hadn't wanted to meet me, I thought she had closed that chapter in her life...

            I think, without a doubt, the most difficult thing for me to process in all of this was learning through that initial phone call that she had been looking for and inquiring about me. Her first attempt was through Children’s Aid Society, when I was only three. I do believe I gasped and even clutched my chest when she told me that. And that’s when Ed went running for the Kleenex box. You know from my last post that when I was in my early 20’s I registered to connect with my birth mom. I figured I had nothing to lose, I could always change my mind if she registered as well, as they would let me know first so that I could call the shots. But no such connection. I just assumed there was no interest on her part since CAS never put the two of us together in their search registry. Well, I had assumed wrong. Back in 1972, she was told to wait for me to reach out, which she did. For 42 long years. The only thing I can figure out is that she contacted them before any such registry existed, and by the time I registered there was no proper record of her contact.

            I battled with feelings of regret, anger and extreme sadness. Here I am, right in the middle of one of the best possible adoption reunion stories, so why am I crying more tears of sadness than joy? I was so blessed but so brokenhearted. Why didn’t I search earlier? Why didn’t Children’s Aid do their job properly and connect us? Why would God allow my birth mom to actually scan every face she passed on the streets of Toronto looking for that familiar one? Even her son, my brother, did his best to find me every time he was in Toronto, but had no success without a name to search with. How broken and empty did Pamela feel all these years? How much regret was there in her life for giving me up? How could God have let me continue along my way essentially unaffected by the broken bonds while my birth mom was aching for reconnection? Her words “I thought of you every day”, “We’ve been waiting for this day for years”, and “How could I ever forget my New Year’s baby?” still bring tears to my eyes. While I thought she had closed that chapter of her life, I was actually written on every page of her life story. Why God? Why would You allow such suffering for a woman who did such an honourable thing in such a horrible circumstance? Could You not have rewarded her in some way for choosing life and not aborting me? Could You not have given her peace in her heart instead of unrest and longing all these years? As I processed all of these feelings I was definitely feeling a sense of incredible sadness for her, regret over not contacting sooner, and anger toward the Children’s Aid Society and ultimately toward God for allowing all of this.

          But God was not done with this story yet. He knew what I needed to hear to be encouraged and that message came a few days later... 

That was no telemarketer!

          So now I've sent off the fax to Pam, and it's only a matter of time before I find out if I've opened up a can of worms or been an answer to prayer. I'm 45 years old, so why has it taken me so long to do this? What was the hesitation? Well, when I was around 20, I got the non-identifying information from Children's Aid, and I did go ahead with the next step which is to register to meet her. But they had indicated that there was no registration yet on her part, and now with it being 25 years later and I still haven't heard from Children's Aid, I could only assume that she had no interest in connecting. Given the circumstances of the pregnancy and that I was kept secret I just thought that she had closed the book on that chapter of her life and chosen to forget about me. Thinking that way kept me from contacting her and dropping a bomb in her life. So for me to send off that fax was a big risk, not so much for me, but I would think for how she might respond and how it might affect her present situation.

           Later that day I noticed an odd number on call display. My heart dropped to the floor when I saw the Bermuda 441 area code in the number, but was totally confused that it was sort of in the middle of the number. I checked out the internet to find out what the 011 area code was and the top websites mentioned telemarketers calling from overseas. Oh, that makes sense, I seem to get so many calls from them, this was probably just a new company trying to get a hold of me. Or so I thought.

            Now it’s Thursday, May 8, 2014. There’s that number again on my call display, and even on my answering machine this time, a hang-up. They must have had several calls going at once and didn’t get a chance to hang up before my answering machine got to it. No big deal, these telemarketers are persistent. Now it’s after 9 pm, and there’s that number again. Okay, this is becoming a nuisance, I’d better just pick up and that way they’ll drop my number from the automated calling system. So in a pleasant voice, which is pretty unusual when I’m expecting it to be a telemarketer, I answer with a melodic "Hello." 

“Is this Gwen?” 

"Yes it is." 

“I got a fax from you yesterday.” 

Gulp. 

“Is this really Sherry Lee, my daughter?” 

Wow, that was NO telemarketer!

Video Compilation

Our week in Bermuda was really quite indescribable. From the emotions felt with that first hug to the splendour of the majestic cliffs and sparkling blue water, from the hospitality of our new family to the unique experience of swimming with the brilliantly coloured fish...there was so much we experienced and it is hard to capture it in words.

So today, I'll let Justin best describe to you our trip, as he has captured all of the above in the attached video of our trip. Thank you, dear son, for your filming and for the many hours spent putting this together - this labour of love is truly a treasure to me.

Enjoy!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zOD5i5GsW0o

Welcome to the Family!

Back to our trip to Bermuda...
Finding your birth mom leads to more than just finding that one special person. In my case, it means finding my birth brother as well, and discovering I have a load of extended family.  Most still live on the island, which is only 20 square miles, so you can imagine the number of relatives we have in Bermuda that you can run into at any given time! We have warned Justin that if he looks for a girlfriend there, he must first have her fill out a family history form to make sure they're not related! He quickly learned that we weren't kidding. Never mind 6 degrees of separation for us, it's more like 2 degrees!

It is quite clear that family is very important to this group, and they welcomed us all with such warmth and love. To them, it did not matter how I came to be, or that Pam gave me up for adoption, or that I suddenly appeared on the scene all these years later with my husband and 4 kids in tow. From the sincere words of welcome as we met them to the great big hugs when we left and everything in between, there is no mistaking that we were gladly welcomed into this loving family.

So blessed.

                                     

Reaching Out

Back to the search story...
So by now Aunt Adell has given me a name and number, and I need to make a decision about whether or not to follow through with this. Up to this point it was a bit of an exciting adventure of putting some pieces of a puzzle together, but now this could be the phone call that has the power to change not only my life but many others.

But apparently this is a work number. How does one make that call in a tactful way? How do you break that news to someone, especially since I didn't know what her reaction would be, whether she would be receptive or not? I tried to do a reverse look up to see if I could find the business name in order to email instead, but nothing came up. So I decided to call at night thinking I would get an answering machine that would give me that information.

However, when I called at night, a woman answered and I immediately hung up. Little did I know at that time that Adell had actually given me Pam's home number and I unknowingly had heard the voice of my birth mom for the first time!

It took me a few more days to work up the nerve to call her at work. Would she be the one to answer or could I leave a cryptic message that only she would understand? Would she want to hear from me? Would she be in such shock that she couldn't finish her day of work? I spent some time in prayer and in the Word...Do not be anxious about anything...present your requests to God...the peace of God which transcends all understanding...When I was about to push that last number on the phone keypad, Jess woke up and sauntered down the stairs. I chickened out and hung up. Again. But you know how coincidences, or rather God-incidences have played such a big part in this story so far, here's another one...5 minutes later Adell emails to tell me the type of store that Pam manages, so I search the internet, locate the store and a fax number, then fire off a fax instead. I simply stated that if she remembers a Sherry Lee from Toronto that I am doing well and wish to thank her for what she did for me all those years ago, and then I provided some contact info. That way if someone else read the fax first, her secret pregnancy and existing daughter would not be revealed. Furthermore, I would leave her with my two main objectives in this search - to let her know that I was ok, and to thank her for her giving me life. I knew that if I had the right person, as soon as she saw my birth name she would immediately know who I was, but I had to leave the rest of the reaching out up to her. My part was done.

I had to totally leave this in God's hands. Would there be rejection? Would I be stirring up past hurts and suffering? The Children's Aid report indicated that she was taken advantage of. Would she resent this girl who reminded her of that night? Was she bitter at not only the father but also at me, an inconvenience and interruption in her life? Yes, I had to totally leave this in God's hands, but was praying fervently for a softened heart. And to be honest, a small part of me began to be hopeful that she would be receptive to me reaching out, not only for her sake but also for mine.

"She even sneezes like you, Pam!"

I just can't help but marvel at the similarities that exist due to genetics. There are the obvious physical characteristics that bear resemblance, such as the deep brown eye colour, cheeks, nose, hands, feet, but also the stance, how we sit and walk, and even how we tilt our head in pictures. That first day we just stared at each other soaking it all in. I would imagine children who grow up with their biological parents probably just take this for granted or notice things bit by bit, but this is our first experience in discovering all these similarities at once so it is quite neat and astonishing. As we walked away together, Uncle D exclaimed, "She even walks like you, Pam!" When I sneezed, her friend and cousin D shook her head and laughed, "She even sneezes like you, Pam!" When she was telling a story I saw Jessica's eyes widen and a smirk come to her face. She even breaks up her story like I do to insert things, then gets back to the main idea. We have a good laugh every time we notice something or someone comments on our quirks or characteristics. It is most definitely a special feeling to have found a deep biological connect, and even though I never really needed to know all these similarities for any kind of self-fulfilment, it is a neat treasure to have and enjoy.

Church Bay Beach

Please don't hate me, but the ocean is within balcony view and walking distance from our rental home. First thing Monday morning, Justin, Jess and I took a stroll down to Church Bay Beach to swim with the fish and enjoy beautiful Bermuda.