Led by God

Before I continue with this week's trip, I must backtrack and continue from where I left off in my search for my birth mom.

You will remember that I had hit a dead end with my initial email. And I was ok with that. A little disappointed perhaps, but totally accepting that perhaps it just wasn't meant to be. Well, the very next day, I received an email from this suspected relative. His mother wanted to get in touch with me and was it okay if he passed along my information? Hmmmm, that’s interesting. Maybe someone was having second thoughts. Of course, I’m still thinking this would be my birth mom, so I’m imagining first she denies any knowledge of this situation, but after some reflection she decides to reach out. So yes, sure, please pass along my contact information as well as the entire email.

            Next on the scene: Adell. Although she doesn’t know of a pregnancy and adoption, all the Binns on the island are relatives, so if I was in fact born a Binns, I would be birth family. Could I please send her a picture so that she could check for any resemblance? Oh ok, “mom”, I get it, you’re just testing the waters. Your curiosity has got the better of you and you’d like to check out what I look like as you try to process all of this. Okay, I’ll send you the best pictures I have so that you just won’t be able to resist connecting with this darling and her family!

            The next email confirmed that yes, I do in fact bear some family resemblance, and she will do whatever she can to connect me. Okay, not what I expected. Wasn’t this the point where she was supposed to confess and welcome me with cautious but open arms? Adell and I continued to communicate, and once I realized her age did not match, I must say I was a little disappointed. I thought I had the right family, and to be honest, her positive attitude toward life, her spontaneous laughter in conversation, her evident faith in God made me think, this is it, she’s the one! We’re just so similar that it’s got to be her! But my super sleuthing had not proved correct. However, as we got to know each other better through emails, phone conversations and eventually Skype, she told me she would always be my Aunty Dell and would be there for me no matter the outcome with my birth mother. So at this I already felt my heart swell. She actually recognized me as family, and what a great person in the family tree to be connected to!

            A couple of weeks later, Adell provided for me a name and number for who she believed might be my biological mother, her niece, a daughter of an older brother of hers. When she told me the name, I actually laughed out loud, as the name is the same as an old girlfriend of Ed's - what a weird coincidence!

            Speaking of coincidences, I do believe that nothing happens by chance, even though I will call it a coincidence by name. This familiar name of Pam’s was only one of many along the way. I like to look at what most people see as chances or coincidences as God’s way of perhaps having some fun, or maybe giving us a glimmer of hope and even awe, but most of all, reminding us that He is behind all of this, He is orchestrating all things. Initially, Adell did not want to reach out to me, as she didn’t want to take on someone else’s problems. Having had some recent health issues, she had enough challenges of her own, and what better way to take on more stress than to get involved in a secretive birth and adoption story with a family member. But something kept her coming back to my email. Perhaps it was the fact that she too, has a daughter married for 24 years. Perhaps it was because she also has 4 children just like me. Perhaps it was because her older sister was named Gwendolyn. Perhaps it was because our phone numbers differed by just one digit. Perhaps it was because I reached out to an Andre, oddly enough the same given name of my brother should her hunch be correct. Perhaps it was because I signed off my email with “Blessings” and she felt a kindred spirit with another Christian. Whatever it was, I’m so glad that God was nudging her to get involved. Without Adell, the search would have probably stopped at Andre’s initial response and I would have just continued along my merry way. I may have wondered if that was actually the family, or I may have just resigned myself to the fact that God knows what’s best and a reunion was not meant to be. In any case, the picture of her family that she had sent me was satisfaction enough. I had always claimed I just wanted to be a fly on the wall, observing the family from a distance, so really, this was all I had ever hoped to achieve for my own personal satisfaction.

     It was important that I bring Adell into this story because she hosted our family for the first day and night of our trip. While there I discovered another way that God was nudging her to contact me, and at that point when she told me, I was just overwhelmed with emotion and broke down and cried. She had actually deleted the email originally sent by Andre, as she wanted nothing to do with it. And then she even went as far as to delete the deleted items, but for some reason the computer got stuck on that particular email and just wouldn't disappear. It was then that she knew she couldn't fight it and just had to be obedient and follow through on God's nudging. She came so close to having nothing to do with me, but because she was so certainly led by God, she was able to play such an important part in this search and ultimately in my life. It is an honour and blessing to call her my Aunty Dell and she blessed us with great hospitality, many words of wisdom, scriptural encouragement, lots of laughs, and great big hugs that first day in Bermuda.

 

In Her Arms Again

Yesterday the surreal became the reality.
Upon arriving in Bermuda, after much anticipation, I was welcomed into her arms once again. So much to say, so many emotions, so many similarities, so many conversations. Oh, and so much family!!! I'm pretty exhausted after our first two days in beautiful Bermuda so instead of a lot of words, I will leave you with the video clip and some pictures and from those first few moments.
Enjoy.

One More Sleep!

One more sleep.

Well, half a sleep actually, since we have to be up by 4am. But hey, I haven't had a full night's sleep since May 8th when Pamela, my birth mom, and I first connected, so what's one more night of only 4 or 5 hours?

Many people have asked how Ed and the kids are feeling about all of this. We're all pretty excited. I think Ed has told pretty much every customer and friend by now. It's a really special moment for our family and I have him to thank as one of the people for getting the ball rolling on this whole adventure.

Justin has emptied his go-pro camera card so he is ready to record this incredible, upcoming week. Jessica is ready to work on her tan while getting to know her new family.  Adam needed to know the plan of how tomorrow will go once I wake him up at 4:00, and Laura, well she's pretty excited to meet "GramPam" and she's marked this day on her bedroom calendar since May.

Me? Hearing "Gwendolyn, I'll get to hold you in my arms tomorrow, baby" was enough to make my heart melt when Pam and I talked on the phone tonight. Tomorrow, my dear island Mom, tomorrow.

One more sleep.

The Search Begins

     “Do you think you’ll ever look for your birth mom?” Whenever anyone heard my adoption story they would inevitably ask me that question. My answer has always been no, not really. I always felt that I just couldn’t interrupt her life by showing up on her doorstep, revealing to her family a long hidden secretive pregnancy and bringing shame or turmoil to a probably normal life. Besides that, I didn’t need it for self-fulfillment and I was totally okay with the fact that I was given up for adoption as a baby. It would have been neat to be a fly on the wall, perhaps see a picture or two to check out resemblance, or maybe even to discover some medical history (although the unknown makes filling out any medical history form a breeze!). But really, I never had a deep inner desire to seek her out or to re-establish that relationship. So I never pictured myself searching or making contact. That was, until recently.

            Having this very discussion with friends in March of this year, I spoke about some birth family details that I did know, thanks to the tidbits my adoptive parents knew and later told me and the information I had received from a Children’s Aid adoption report years ago. Piecing a couple of things together, Ed hops on Calvin and Jennifer’s computer and proceeds to search a few key items including my birth last name, and up pops an article and picture of a gentleman who could very well be the half brother I've been told I have.

            Over the next few days, I searched a little more, and discovered that he just might fit the bill. After all, he graduated a few years ahead of me, so he might be slightly older than myself. He’s had a lifelong career in the hotel and hospitality business, something my parents mentioned ran in the family. He even has those familiar cheeks when he smiles as well. But how could I approach him? Would he have even known about me? Would my birth mother resent me for exposing her secret and showing up all these years later?

            I sat on this for a couple of weeks, undecided as to what to do, but leaning more towards not doing anything. Then one day, after having a discussion with my daughter Jessica, her question: “Mom, what do you have to lose?” was all I needed to hear in order to make my decision. What did I have to lose? I had already “lost” my birth mother, so it wasn’t as if losing her again would be a great void in my life. I didn’t know any different, so anything at this point would be gain. And what if my contact would provide some relief or peace for her? Wouldn’t it be worth it to at least attempt to reach out, even for her sake if not for my own? I could at the very least thank her and let her know I was okay.

            So in April, I carefully crafted an email. If this was indeed a brother, I had to be gentle with my words. I was sure to express my appreciation for my birth mother, yet give enough details of the birth family that if this was actually a family connection there would be no doubt in his mind. So I proceeded to describe the approximate ages of my birth mom and her siblings (my non-identifying information in the Children's Aid report was actually quite comprehensive, I'll have to thank my birth mom for doing that!). I thought that even if no-one knew of this shameful, hidden pregnancy, certainly they could piece together the details to come up with the right person and the right branch of the family tree.

            Five days went by. No word. Did he toss the email aside as junk mail? Is he reeling in shock from the information I provided and the secret I revealed? But then I finally I receive a brief email, indicating he had asked some family members about this, but they came up short. Sorry, no one knows anything about this but best wishes with my search. I fire off a pleasant response, thanking him for his time and to keep me in mind should anything surface.

            So what goes through your mind when you think you’ve figured it out but you’ve hit a dead end like this one? I wasn’t crushed, after all, remember, I really had nothing to lose. I have never really felt unfulfilled by not knowing my birth mother, and in fact, because I've always been totally at peace with how I came to be and where I ended up, that actually gave me much more fulfillment. Knowing that God had worked all the details together to place me in a loving, Christian home was great satisfaction to me all these years. My life has been a testimony to God’s amazing grace and I marvel at the second chance I received through adoption. Essentially, my earthly adoption has been a tangible, earthly parallel to God's spiritual adoption of me. Quite frankly, I get it. And I'm extremely thankful for being adopted into both my temporary home here on earth and my eternal home in heaven.

In Her Arms ~ Introduction

Just over 45 years ago, she gave birth to a 6 lb 13 oz baby girl and named her Sherry Lee. She held her in her arms, kissed her, and then did one of the hardest things a mother could ever do. She gave her to the nurse in the hopes that someone else could offer her the life that this single mother could not at that time. That baby girl was me.

In just over 24 hours, this grown girl, now named Gwendolyn, will arrive at the airport in Bermuda. My dear island mother will again hold me in her arms, she'll kiss me, but this time she'll never let me go. What follows is the story of my adoption and our imminent reunion, and the amazing grace of God that is written on every page our of lives.